I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why people support dictators and obvious abusers. Why the cheering for submission and control while freedom and human dignity get trampled right in front of our eyes. Where does that instinct come from?
For starters, I think it’s often because the dynamic of ‘power-over’ feels so familiar.
We live in a culture that rewards unquestioning obedience, unfortunately. It tells us that a ‘good’ child is a quiet, compliant one. But by prioritizing compliance above all else, we inadvertently normalize the exact power structures that need to be dismantled.
The Shadow of Blind Obedience
When blind obedience becomes the standard, we plant a dangerous seed. We risk raising adults who believe that authority is more important than conscience. That compliance is safer than resistance. That the person with the loudest voice gets to decide what is true.
This is the shadow side of what psychologists call authoritarian parenting. It’s the belief, often driven by fear, that the parent’s job is to control the child, not guide them. And the research suggests it doesn’t just shape how kids behave. It shapes how kids think about power for the rest of their lives.
I’m a parent coach. I use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help parents with connection and their own healing. And I’ve written about how I believe that peaceful parenting fails without IFS because it’s so hard to act peaceful on the outside when our internal system is screaming on the inside. IFS helps you actually become the calm parent, not just pretend to be one.
I believe that internal calmness at home is exactly what we need right now, because the world outside is getting louder.
Our Role as Parents
Right now, we are watching authoritarianism on the rise. We are seeing it in the news. We feel it in our guts. And a lot of us parents (myself included) are asking “what can I do?”
Here are some ideas I want to offer:
- Protect your child’s will.
- See their ‘no’ not as a threat to your authority, but as the beginning of their autonomy.
- Teach them that size doesn’t equal rightness.
- Show them that the biggest person in the room has the greatest responsibility to be calm, not the right to make all the rules.
When a child learns that obedience is the highest virtue, they are being trained to trade their freedom for the comfort of being told what to do.
Let’s talk about how to break that cycle.
What Is Authoritarian Parenting (And Why Dictators Need It)
Authoritarian parenting is simple. It’s the “because I said so” model. The parent makes the rules. The child obeys or faces consequences. The goal is compliance, not understanding.
On the surface, it looks like discipline. But here’s what research on authoritarian parenting shows. Kids raised in these environments often learn that questioning authority is dangerous. Studies consistently link strict, obedience-focused parenting with a preference for authoritarian political leaders in adulthood.
In Internal Family Systems terms, this creates a specific kind of internal system. The child develops a ‘Manager’ part that is hyper-focused on appeasement. Its job is to scan the authority figure’s mood, predict what they want, and deliver it to avoid punishment.
Their own truth gets exiled to keep the peace. As a dad, not just a parent coach, I have to ask – is that really what I want for my own child?
The problem as I see it is that this creates an adult who doesn’t trust themselves. Who looks outside for someone to tell them what is right.
Is this not the exact dynamic that authoritarian governments need to survive?
How Peaceful Parenting Dismantles Authoritarianism
If authoritarian parenting creates citizens who defer to power, I see peaceful parenting as building humans who trust their own judgment.
This is the antidote. Not because it’s nicer, but because it teaches a fundamentally different lesson about power. Instead of “might makes right,” it teaches “my voice matters.” Instead of “obey or suffer,” it teaches “my wants and needs are valid.”
Here’s what that looks like in practice.
1. Stop punishing the “no.”
When our children refuses something, take a pause first. Our culture tells us to crush the refusal to maintain authority. But I believe our job as parents is to get curious. What is their ‘no’ protecting? What boundary are they trying to set? Sometimes that defiant ‘no’ is the smartest thing they can say.
2. Model self-leadership, not dominance.
Your kids are watching how you handle your own power. When you pause, notice your own reaction, and say “I’m feeling really frustrated right now, I need a minute,” you are teaching them that feelings don’t have to control us. You are modeling that true strength is regulated, not explosive.
3. Use the 3Ns. (Notice, Name, Need)
This is my framework for staying grounded:
- Notice the reaction rising in your body.
- Name the part that’s activated (“That’s my Control Manager freaking out”).
- Ask what it Needs. (Reassurance? Safety? A moment of quiet?)
This framework can help keep you from reacting out of habit and turning the moment into a power struggle.
4. Respect them now so they know what respect feels like later.
Respect is a learned behavior.A child who experiences respect and dignity at home recognizes instantly when someone tries to violate it out in the world. When we listen to our children’s perspective, we aren’t just being nice. We are training them to trust their own voice when the world tries to silence it.
Raise a Resister
Authoritarian habits weaken our collective immune system against tyranny. Peaceful parenting strengthens it.
When we choose respect over control, we are fortifying our children against the logic of domination.
Every time we validate their feelings instead of dismissing them, we are teaching them to trust themselves more than they trust the person with the loudest, scariest voice.
We are not just raising kids. We are raising future citizens. And every interaction is a vote for the kind of world we want them to build.
This is how you raise someone who can stand in front of authoritarianism and not flinch.
We start now.
We start today.
We start the next time our child questions us.
The world needs more people who know how to resist.
Let’s raise them.
