The Inner Work That Transforms Meltdowns into Moments of Healing
When a child has a meltdown, the first instinct parents have is often to try and control the situation. We want to stop the crying, the hitting, or the upset feelings.
But the key to navigating children’s emotional storms isn’t about managing their behavior, but about working through our own triggers and reactivity.
This guide will walk you through how to shift your perspective, from focusing on the tantrum to focusing on the one person you can truly guide: Yourself.
Why Children’s Meltdowns Feel So Overwhelming
Have you ever reacted to a spilled drink or to a loud “No!” with a level of anger or anxiety in yourself that felt too big for the moment? In other words, your reaction was disproportionate.
What parent hasn’t, right?
In peaceful parenting, the advice is to control our own reaction, to not shame, to not threaten, and obviously to not hit in any way. We also don’t want to become controlling or place ourselves in opposition to our children. For more, read this article on boundaries and limits in peaceful parenting.
But it’s one thing to have an intellectual understanding about that, still another to actually be able to control your own emotions during these moments. That’s why, to me, this is one of the most important things we can work on as parents.
Those emotional over-reactions in ourselves are what we call triggers.
Triggers are not a sign that you are a bad parent. They are messengers from your own past, pointing to places inside you that need attention and healing.
Please read that again. You are not a bad parent for being triggered. What’s going on is that you have a past hurt that is being brought up in an upsetting moment.
Many of us arrive at parenting carrying what you can think of as an invisible backpack filled with the unspoken rules and emotional habits we learned in our own childhoods. These old scripts run on autopilot, especially during stressful moments.
A few examples that your triggers might be connected to:
- Echoes of your own upbringing: Perhaps you were shamed for making a mess or punished for expressing big feelings.
- Unmet needs: Your child’s defiance might tap into old feelings in yourself of being powerless or unheard at some stage in your own life.
- The pressure to be perfect: The belief that a “good parent” has a “good child” can make any sign of imperfection feel like a personal failure.
Understanding that your reaction is more about your own personal history than your child’s immediate behavior is the first, most compassionate step you can take.
The Shift: From Controlling Behavior to Building Your Capacity
Peaceful parenting asks us to make a fundamental shift.
Instead of asking: “How can I fix my child?” we start asking: “What is being triggered in me right now, and how can I care for it?”. This is the difference between a control-based mindset and a connection-based one.
- The Control Model (The Old/Traditional Way): Sees a behavior to stop. The goal is to get compliance, often through threats, punishments or consequences. This creates a power struggle and erodes trust.
- The Connection Model (The Peaceful Parenting Way): Sees a child to connect with, empathize with and validate feelings. The goal is to offer a safe harbor during their emotional storm. This builds trust and models emotional resilience.
The problem that we want to overcome is when we try to do things the peaceful, non-controlling way, but find ourselves struggling because of our own emotional triggers and upset reactions.
This isn’t passive work. By focusing on our own inner state and work on getting calm ourselves, we are not being passive. It’s anything but! This is incredible, transformational work. And it’s not easy either.
The goal is to actively create the emotional safety for both ourselves and for our children. Your calm literally becomes their anchor.
How do we get calm? By doing our own inner work.
Emotional regulation is the foundation of peaceful parenting. Even in the midst of tantrums.
How to Do the Inner Work: 4 Step Process
Here are four steps you can take to do the inner work. This is inspired by my own work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) and peaceful parenting, that you can use in the heat of the moment.
- Take a Pause: The pause is the single breath you take between your child’s action and your reaction. It is your circuit breaker. It interrupts the autopilot script and gives you the space to choose a different response. You can place a hand on your heart or quietly say to yourself, “I need a minute.”
- Even if it’s hard to do, and you’re still feeling emotional overwhelm, just take a moment of self observation. The more you do this the easier it gets over time.
- Remember that every time you pause, you are building a new neural pathway. One that chooses connection over control.
- Make a U-Turn: This is the core practice of turning your attention inward. When you feel that surge of anger or frustration, (or numbness or dissociation), instead of focusing on your child, try making a U-turn and ask, “What’s happening inside of me right now?”
- Simply naming the feeling (“I feel a wave of anger,” or “My heart is pounding”) creates a small space between you and the intensity of the emotion. This isn’t self-blame! It’s radical self-awareness that helps allow you to respond instead of react.
- Address the Upset Part: This is one of the most powerful things you can do. It’s saying to the upset part inside yourself: “I see you. I see how upset you are. Something has been triggered inside. I may not understand it fully right now, but I know there is a valid reason.”
- The key to this is learning to give yourself the same validation, empathy and understanding that you would offer to your children.
- If you find yourself beating yourself up, becoming self-critical, or shaming or judging yourself, that’s another part within that you can address too. You can acknowledge that self-critical part by simply saying “I see you too!”
- You don’t have to fix or correct these parts of yourself. Just learn to acknowledge all the thoughts and emotions that are coming up, and try to develop some curiosity about it.
- The Gift of Repair: Sometimes, we all mess up. We yell or we are overcome with frustration. Or maybe we go numb and want to run and hide. The most powerful tool we have after those moments is repair.
- A genuine “do-over” models humility and accountability. It can sound as simple as: “You know what, I didn’t handle that well. My frustration got the best of me, and I’m so sorry. Can we have a do-over? What I wish I had said was…” This single act can rebuild connection instantly and teaches your child that relationships are resilient.
The Ripple Effect: A More Peaceful You, A More Resilient Child
When you commit to this inner work, the transformation extends far beyond a single meltdown.
- You model emotional regulation: Your child learns how to handle big feelings not from lectures and explaining, but by watching you handle yours.
- You create a culture of safety: Your home becomes a place where all feelings are welcome, and mistakes are seen as opportunities to learn and reconnect.
- You break generational cycles: By learning to work through and heal your own triggers as a parent, you can avoid unintentionally passing them down to your children. You give them a legacy of emotional freedom.
Give it time and regular effort
Typically this inner transformation takes repetition and focused effort. You likely won’t get to that place of curiosity and self compassion on the first try. It might take many, many tries. But at some point, the dots will start to connect. You’ll find yourself noticing that the same self-critical voice rises up during some specific situations whereas not so much in others. Or you may get a flash of insight about why you the spilled drink in particular is so upsetting (or the defiant “No!” or whatever it is).
I recommend continued learning about Internal Family Systems, as it aligns perfectly with peaceful parenting.
Your Journey Starts Now
The path to becoming a peaceful parent isn’t about being perfect. It is about being present, courageous, and willing to do your own inner work. Every time you choose to pause, to turn inward, and to repair, you are not just managing a difficult moment. You are building a relationship with your child that is grounded in unshakable trust and connection.
Ready to go deeper? My book, Peaceful Parenting Basics, offers a complete guide to these principles and provides the practical, day-to-day wisdom you need to build a more connected family.
FAQ: Parenting, Children, and Tantrums
Q1. Why do children have tantrums?
Tantrums are a normal part of child development. They happen when children feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or unable to communicate their needs. Tantrums are not seen as a problem in peaceful parenting, but instead are an opportunity to give children a chance to express big feelings as their emotional skills develop.
Q2. How should parents respond to a child’s tantrum?
The best response is for parents to stay calm and supportive. Listen to and validate your child’s feelings, stay close, and remain supportive and expressing understanding. Instead of shaming or threats, offer comfort and model emotional regulation for your child.
Q3. Can parents prevent tantrums in children?
A tantrum should not be thought of as something to prevent, rather as opportunities to help children understand themselves and their own emotional world. That being said, parents can reduce tantrum frequency by listening, validating and acknowledging children’s emotional overwhelm, by modeling emotional language, and helping their child learn coping skills. Addressing hunger, tiredness, or stress also helps.
Q4. What if I lose my temper with my child during a tantrum?
It’s normal for parents to feel triggered. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an excellent tool for helping a parent keep calm and for their own self-regulation. It also helps to repair any disconnection with children as a result of parental dysregulation. Acknowledge upset, apologize genuinely, and show your child how to reconnect after a tough moment. This builds trust and teaches resilience.
Q5. How does peaceful parenting benefit children?
Peaceful parenting fosters connection, trust, and emotional intelligence in children. Kids learn to self-regulate by feeling seen, validated, and heard. They are also greatly helped by observing calm, compassionate responses from their parents. This approach also breaks negative generational patterns and leads to more harmonious family dynamics.
